#like. i cant view it having any meaning past that in my brain

[sphylor]

can someone explain the whole obsession with pomegranates in writing and their meaning to me please i dont get ittttt

[sixosix]

i want you for worse or for better | aether

synopsis your ex, aether, asks you to be his plus one; you were doomed from the very beginning.

tags wc 2.8k, gn!reader, modern au, profanity, getting back together, exes to lovers, humor bc i cant take my own writing seriously, ft 4GGRAVATE!!!

notes ty to @earthtooz and @naosaki helping me brainstorm w this one… our big brains were on the same wave while cooking.

Aether moved around a lot. He was never the type to settle down. It was in his blood to explore the world and leave only a trace of him behind. He was something like a hero, coming in at the worst time and leaving them better than before. You couldn’t say the same about his effect on you, though.

You told him of this before, and he slumped over and rested his head on your lap, “I don’t even mean to. Are you at least swept off your feet by my heroic deeds?”

“I was so charmed I only dated you because you have overthrown the government,” you said.

Aether had laughed then, and kissed you sweetly. You couldn’t fool him for a second—how you melted to the kiss spoke for itself. You loved him for so much more than that.

But you also knew that it wouldn’t last long. Aether warned you about it, too; you couldn’t even be mad. How could you blame anyone but yourself when you deliberately brushed past all the warning signs?

“I don’t stay,” Aether told you, at the time. “If you want to do this…”

“I know,” you said, at the time. “I know what I’m getting myself into. So will you just kiss me already?”

Well, you should’ve known, too, that falling out of love with Aether wouldn’t be as easy as falling in love with him. Not when he kissed you like he would never leave, anyway. You were doomed from the very beginning.

“You’ve been staring at your phone for a worryingly long time now,” Tighnari said, eyeing you from the top of his cards.

You were seated on Alhaitham’s living room couch, the four boys lounging on the floor playing TCG. Cyno was winning effortlessly against Kaveh, but against Tighnari, he found himself at a loss. Alhaitham was continuing Cyno’s winning streak on his behalf, while Cyno was down two rounds from playing with Tighnari. You had been playing, too, but your phone lit up and displayed a name that had you dropping your cards and hiding your screen from your friends’ view.

You bit your lip and reread the message for the third time. The previous texts had been months ago, with him wishing you a happy birthday. You replied with a Thank you and a red heart emoji, because the <3 emoticon felt too intimate.

“Aether texted me,” you murmured, then braced yourself for the explosion.

It was Kaveh that did. “Aether? As in your ex, Aether? That Aether?” Kaveh demanded.

“Do you know other Aethers?” Alhaitham quipped, then placed a card that had Kaveh clutching his head and groaning.

“Shut up,” Kaveh hissed, mostly because he lost. “The point is—that’s your ex! What did he say?”

You buried your face on the couch pillow, hating how your heart was racing. Like you were still in high school, or something, and not a full-grown adult who was having a crisis over their ex texting them. “He said hey are you up?, all lowercase, no comma.”

“No comma,” Kaveh repeated with a suspicious look on his face.

“No need to be so wary,” Cyno said. “His intentions don't appear to deliberately cause any 'comma-tion’.”

Tighnari’s ears dropped along with his face.

“Do you get it?” Cyno seemed proud that he was able to come up with that one right away. “There was no comma. It was a wordplay on commotion—”

“Did he also say what he was texting you for?” Kaveh interrupted loudly. “If he wants something, send a picture of us and tell him you’re busy.”

“Aether’s not like that,” you murmured in defeat.

Kaveh was making him out to be some sort of playboy. Aether wasn’t, which made you worry more. You didn’t want to entertain someone who left you, but you still cared enough to wonder if something came up and he needed you.

“You’re going to reply?” Tighnari asked.

“Yes,” you said, typing out a what’s up? and hitting Send. You didn’t know why you had butterflies in your stomach—you used to shower with Aether back when you were still together; there was no need to be so nervous. “He’s your friend, too, you know.”

“You were our friend first,” Kaveh said. “And he broke your heart. That’s not something to be taken lightly.”

You felt warm, a smile blooming on your face. “It’s okay. I wasn’t that affected.”

“You were,” Kaveh, Tighnari, and Cyno chorused.

“Fuck you,” you said, smile dropping.

Aether was typing again. You sat up straight and watched the three dots do the worm on the bottom of your screen. 

hi :) how are you?

Ugh. Furiously, you typed, aether spit it out. did something happen?

okay okay

You expected that he just wanted something. Something had to have come up for him to text you after months. That didn’t make it hurt any less, though. Maybe Aether was a playboy; the way he played with your feelings almost qualified him for it.

But then you think back to when Aether was still in Sumeru, lighting up the room, lighting up a fire in your heart. He was everyone’s favorite, too, not just yours. And even if Kaveh and the others denied it now, they hadn’t been able to deny him back then. Aether helped them out in ways they didn’t know how to repay. Aether made you so happy, to be thinking so negatively about him like this.

Aether sent: i’m invited to aymar’s wedding and i wanted to ask if you would agree to be my plus one

why me?

you’re the first person i thought of.

Perhaps he wasn’t in trouble—he was trouble enough. What were you getting yourself into?

i thought you didn’t want to get involved with Aymar anymore

i can’t turn down an excuse to eat free at a buffet

You sighed. You wouldn’t, either.

You frowned at your screen, wishing it was Aether in front of you instead. Maybe if you could read his expressions instead of reading between the lines of his texts, you could figure out why he invited his ex, of all the people he knew.

besides, Aether continued to text, this is probably aymar’s way of showing us that she’s over me. she has a groom now and all that

Aymar had the biggest crush on Aether, and she never hid it, even when you and Aether were dating. But despite her advances, she was a sweet girl who was just as infatuated with your ex as the rest of Teyvat was. Maybe this was her way of apologizing.

However—

she didn’t even invite me wtf

haha well is that a no?

“Guys,” you spoke up, grabbing your friends’ attention. Kaveh was still losing miserably. “Have you heard news of Aymar’s wedding?”

“Oh,” Kaveh looked thoughtful, “yes. We were invited.”

“What? Was I the only one not invited?”

“Maybe it’s because you got to date Aether and she didn’t,” Tighnari said.

You rolled your eyes. “Well, Aether’s asking me to be his plus one—and I’m going to say yes don’t look at me like that.”

Alhaitham, Cyno, and Kaveh wordlessly clear their expressions.

“Oh,” Tighnari frowned. “We weren’t planning on going.”

“We have to now!” Kaveh said. “We have to, if Y/N’s going.”

“Is this too much?”

You checked yourself out in the full-length mirror, performing a little twirl that had Kaveh clapping. Alhaitham sat beside him, briefly looking up from his book. Tighnari and Cyno were elsewhere, picking shoes for you that would be in the range of ‘cheap’ and ‘expensive, but not because I care about what Aether would think’.

“Of course not,” Kaveh said, giving a thumbs up. “You look great!”

You turned to Alhaitham next, who didn’t hesitate: “Looks good. Might as well wear yellow, too.”

You flushed hotly at his implications. “I’m not dressing up to impress him! This is a formal event, which he happened to invite me to—as friends.”

“Right,” Alhaitham drawled. He could at least pretend to believe you, but that would probably be asking too much from him already.

Kaveh nudged Alhaitham, with a bit more force than necessary. “Cut Y/N some slack.”

Alhaitham sighed imperceptibly, turning his full attention to you. “This would probably be the closure you needed,” Alhaitham said, and you recognized his way of comfort for the way it is. “You’ll find out that you’re over him after this.”

“You’re right,” you said, breathing in deep. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“So,” Kaveh stood up. “Is that what you’re buying? Let’s make haste—Cyno reserved a spot in the line for you!”

Excitement bubbled in your chest as you held the fabric to your chest.

You were definitely not over Aether.

As soon as you felt yourself fidgeting nervously a block away from the ceremony, you knew. As soon as a car rolled in and he stumbled out of the car, tripping because he was waving at you, you knew that you were so not over him.

You tried to blame the heat of the sun for how warm you suddenly felt, but you could be referring to the other sun making his merry way to you, his smile bright, all teeth. His braid could almost be a tail from how it waggled as he jogged over.

“Hey,” Aether, charming and beautiful Aether, gold and warm—your ex, Aether—breathed out, “you look great.”

“You, too.” Aether looked maddening in a suit, in the best way possible. You felt lightheaded and choked out, “Very dashing.”

“Yeah?” He grinned.

“Yeah,” you said, then turned away in case he saw the raw, unfiltered want on your face.

“Shall we?”

How cheesy. Still, you felt yourself flush as you linked your arms with his, like you were a couple. Kaveh was going to kill you—after he killed Aether first.

Aymar’s wedding was startlingly grand. You think she might just have invited the entirety of Sumeru; you might even find Lesser Lord Kusanali here, maybe. 

You found your friends and settled beside them while Aether awkwardly sat on the far edge. He seemed reluctant to have space from you, so you pulled him closer.

“Hey,” Tighnari greeted him. “How have you been? You stopped sending us letters.”

Aether looked extremely uncomfortable. He must be feeling Cyno’s stern stare. “Haha. Well, yeah.” 

The ceremony went as usual. The groom was someone you didn’t recognize; he looked like he was from Sumeru, all big and intimidating—the complete opposite of Aether. Aymar’s tastes changed drastically. All the same, you cheered along with the crowd when they kissed.

You haven’t been able to attend many weddings yourself, though you could always appreciate how emotional the newlyweds got. Vows were always the sweetest to hear. You’d never seen Aymar smile so wide before; then again, it was only fitting. This was her wedding day. Not that you’d know, though.

You glance to the side, catching Aether looking at the newlyweds kiss with an unreadable expression on his face. He looked like he longed for it, but that didn’t seem right. Weddings tied you down. Aether didn’t want to be tied down.

Kaveh clapped the loudest, which snapped Aether into clapping along as well.

You wondered what Aether was thinking. You wonder if he was thinking the same. Looking at the happy bride and the teary groom—could this have been you and him in another life?

Hah.

That’s a funny thought.

You bit your bottom lip to distract yourself from feeling your eyes go hot.

Aymar beamed at you two as she bounded over. “You came!” she said, though it was directed at you.

You wanted to tell her you weren’t even invited, but you felt like that would ruin the moment. Plus, it was literally her wedding. You were glad you ended up here after all the years you spent knowing each other. You smiled back, genuine, and leaned into her hug.

“Of course,” you said. “You look beautiful.”

Aymar blushed. “Thank you. You two look great as well!”

Aether shuffled beside you. “Thanks for inviting us.”

Aymar had that look in her eye that spelled suspicious.

But the past was the past. You weren’t going to get jealous when Aymar was quite literally married, and Aether wasn’t even your boyfriend anymore. “I’m glad you’re happy, Aymar,” you said.

Aymar glanced between the two of you, then finally at you. “I hope you find happiness, too, Y/N. Soon, hopefully.”

The reception started. While your friends were busy hoarding the food, you and Aether were left alone. He looked uncharacteristically nervous—it made you pity him. He was the one who asked you to come with him, but he must have felt out of place the entire time. Everyone thought he would never return, after all.

You traced the rim of your glass, hoping to appear nonchalant. “So, what have you been up to while at Fontaine? Finally moving off to Natlan?” you asked, then bit back a Find any other flings, too?

Aether sighed, twirling his champagne flute before taking a long sip. “Didn’t do too much, honestly. I spent most of my time there thinking.” His eyes flicked up to yours. “Lumine already found her place here in Teyvat, and I…”

Oh.

You were glad you held back from being petty while Aether was genuinely distressed over his journey to self-discovery. Again, you weren’t an asshole. And you still cared about Aether, despite everything, because he was hard to hate. With a sad face like that…

“Sorry,” you muttered. You didn’t mean to make him remember Lumine.

Aether laughed softly. “It’s not like that. It took me a while, but—I had already found my place, too. I was just too dumb not to realize it sooner.”

You wanted to chide him for calling himself dumb, but he was looking at you like he was waiting for you to get something. You blinked, feeling lost.

Aether tilted his head. “It’s with you.”

Your mouth hung open. “What?”

Aether went to repeat it, but Cyno and Tighnari had come back with plates heaping with food. Cyno had one on each hand, unabashed. He sat on his seat and said, in all seriousness, “We might have finished all the catering.”

Tighnari chuckled, “We didn’t, but you two should hurry and get your fill.”

You didn’t get another chance to talk with Aether privately during the reception, but it was still good fun. Aether seemed to warm up to your friends again—or, rather, your friends seemed to warm up to him again.

You shared laughs, food, and toasts with the newlyweds—but your favorite had to have been sharing glances with Aether all throughout the night.

You and Aether went ahead. Cyno and Tighnari didn’t seem surprised when you told them that you were letting Aether take you home, which would have certainly been a blow to your dignity had it been in any other situation.

“So,” you started, “what made you realize you wanted to get me back? Did you have some revelation while in Fontaine?”

“Yes, actually,” Aether said, his hands brushing against yours now and then. “For every sight and couple I saw, I just kept thinking about how you would’ve loved it there.”

“Oh.”

Aether looked bashful. The moonlight highlighted his blush well. “I thought it was because we had just broken up at the time, but I never stopped thinking about you.”

Aether kept going, but you were already sold. You already wanted to get back with him the moment he texted you with all lowercase and no commas. You were fooling no one. Not Alhaitham, not yourself. “What, so you want to take me to the City of Love?”

Aether looked at you fondly. “You would always be the first one I’d think of.”

“I curbed your wanderlust…?” You were fishing for it at this point, but being deprived of Aether’s affections for a long while did that to a person.

You felt outmaneuvered. Shouldn’t you be letting him chase after you a bit more? Why were you discarding your pride just like that? Over your ex?

Your not-ex-anymore now-boyfriend-again smiled. “You became my reason to stay.”

Well. You were doomed from the very beginning.

“Aether!” Paimon shrieked from the other room. “You have mail!”

“Alright, alright,” Aether sighed, lazily pulling himself up from his bed and trudging to the living room. Paimon held a brown envelope.

Aether opened it and withdrew the contents, puzzled.

“Ooh!” Paimon gasped. “Two invitations for a wedding? Is it for Paimon, too?”

Aether ripped the other envelope, heart stuttering at the sight of a familiar name inked on the vellum paper. He blushed. “This is—!”

“Huh? For Y/N?” Paimon snatched the invitation from Aether’s fingers. “Why was it addressed to us? Maybe they were mistaken…”

Aether read something on the back of your invitation. “I don’t think it was mistaken.”

Written with a ballpen, it said, Hi, Y/N! It’s Aymar! I don’t know Aether’s address and none of my colleagues seemed to know where his residence would be…? (Probably because Aether wasn’t even in Sumeru.) But I assumed you would be staying together, so here’s my invitation for you both—I hope you can come!

Aether recognized an opportunity when he saw one.

extras!

the ending was rlly vague so let me add: aether was planning to go back to sumeru for you already and the wedding invitation was a perfect excuse—he flew out back to sumeru literally the next day.

earthtooz was making out with alhaitham & art was making out w kaveh during the reception which is why they dont show up during the end thanks

cyno brought his tcg deck and made tighnari bring his own—thats what they did during the afterparty lol

don’t ask if paimon was floating or if she was on the ground. sometimes we dont have to question things.

aymar was a name i just grabbed from the list of sumeru npcs—i don’t actually know if i butchered her personality horribly. if i did, forgive me.

THANK YOU FOR READING HOPE U ENJOYED!! LMK WHAT U THINK <3333 comments/rbs get a kiss from aether

[gojos-thot-patrol]

Listen, don’t tell canon Sukuna hold your back from delulu. But what if .. what if he lost someone?

Someone that was killed and whose weakness was they loved him? Like his s/o murdered in retaliation for his actions?

The shame and the guilt that he felt and that was the first and last time Sukuna let love distract him. I imagine a more naive Sukuna… during his youth and maybe not as established as a national menace.

I mean his s/o would be accepting of his actions and views but they found home in his heart because they loved him for him and not his power uwu

oh my god, anon your brain is so wrinkled and beautiful. (┬��﹏┬┬)

Sukuna would have been convinced he was unlovable if not for you. If not for your soft words and gentle touches. His childhood friend who saw past the feral boys snarls and found the soft puppy there underneath.

You never clipped his claws or filed down his fangs. No, quite the contrary, you sharpened them. You stood tall next to him as he eviscerated his abusers, and firmly behind him as he took what the world owed him. Due payment for the pain he was forced to endure.

You showed him a different kind of strength. One that couldn't be built through training and fighting. You showed an emotional strength he wished he had. The ability to not only understand, but to harness and control your emotions. A strength he coveted.

He thought he would keep you by his side forever. His Queen, His Darling, His Lover. His Love. In your arms was the only place he found peace. The only place where he could ever feel truly safe. Your arms were his home.

Maybe he shouldn't have shown you off so proudly. Maybe he should have never left home that day. Or maybe he never should have dragged you into any of this shit in the first place.

He when he thinks back on the event now he remembers it in flashes and feelings. Feelings he desperately wanted to run away from. He remembered the stiffening feeling of your blood on his hands as he tried to stop your bleeding. He remembered cursing the bastards for not even having the decency to make it quick.

He remembered how your eyes glossed over. He could still feel your icy hand on his cheek. Could still hear your whisper.

"Don't stop fighting my Love."

He remembered you going limp in his arms. Still feel his hands shake the way they did as he tried desperately to bring you back, please. please just come back you cant leave him like this. He remembered the clap of thunder that shook the palace when he realized you weren't coming back.

Or maybe that was his scream.

He hadn't felt much since then. The cold hard steel of indifference being far more favorable to him than the sharp poison of an open heart. Love was a fucking joke anyway. He couldn't believe he was so naive. So foolish as to let himself be dragged around by his cock, it was pathetic. Love was pathetic. Love was an inherent risk that he would never take again.

Still. Sometimes late at night, when the rain pours down and he's forced to remember if was your favorite kind of weather, he can't deny the now foreign feeling in his heart. When he closes his eyes its your perfectly sweet smile that visits him at night. and for just a second, he feels himself crumbling again.

And then he snaps out of it. He doesn't have time for love. He has to get back to fighting.

[kisaraslover]

DO U HAVE ANY BLUESHIPPING FIC REC?????PLEASENIMSTARVINGKSKSKKS

anon kskkasak ITS FINE ILL SAVE YOU OK? here goes:

Scenes from a Kaiba Marriage and Temptation by my blueshipping queen @kisara-kaiba as the opening. the peak of modern life blueshipping fluff, very lovesick, when im reading them its heart full, head empty. youre gonna be lucky to start them now cuz ill be rereading and drawing scenes from them this week👀. itll be like premium fanfic reading.

Enjambment -> this fic might be the single best written blueshipping fic by the virtue of MIRRORING their encounter in ancient Egypt beat by beat, including BOTH of their character arcs and the netflix show vibe of suspense and the sharp, cold and bleak setting is chefs kiss. changed my brain chemistry. still one of my favorite portrayals of Kisara.

Maiden with Eyes of Blue -> Sometimes time needs to slow down and a single scene should be a character study/ hashing out of things you needed acknowledged by canon, the situation is ESPECIALLY dire for Seto Kaiba as ive made my feelings on his writing known many times. This is it. Kisara isnt reincarnated in this one though, but her love for him can be felt in the air. Ngl you could just incorporate this into post canon and it would be fine. canon compliant+ canon enriching.

Shades of Water, Ice, and Sky -> I'm skimming through each fic to see what they were about and i just gotta say: why so heart-wrenching if so short?? theyre in love your honor.

Their Promise: Book I -> ok gonna be honest w you i havent finished this one and the main reason is that i cant go past the SPECTACULAR first chapter. ive started and failed to draw it in its entirety. i open it, i chew on the first chapter like a rabid dog, i close it more often than not. the second reason is it has a lot more angst and heartbreak than most blueship fics do and im weak to that sort of thing. still, if we follow their ancient egypt encounter beat by beat, which is a fantastic way of following and enriching the canon, their first meeting needs to be as kids with him saving her from a cage. chefs kiss.

who are you? -> JUST the right amount of Seto Kaiba immediate fixation obsession on Kisara (which means insanely obsessed)

You Will Crave Your Ancient Roots -> this is so good and so heartbreaking man. Seto and Atem are shot back into ancient Egypt and Seto is only able to slightly alter the events around Kisara. hes fated to fall for that woman every single time and *starts sobbing*

Ancient Rules -> all i gotta say is this Seto Kaiba gives me brainworms. hes chuck full of Passion and Cockiness and Insanity. blueshippers sometimes take out his insanity. he is very unsettling here i love it. Kisara is truly at his mercy..

never forget your first dream -> fem!Set and Kisara in ancient Egypt, this story twists more than just Seto's gender. im a yuri seto truther so its great to have written proof of it. jokes aside, very well characterized Set and Kisara, rich writing.

One in Forty -> pretty short but this one fundamentally changed how i viewed Kisara's canon influence over BEWD cards and her constant and unbendable favor around Seto. canon compliant + canon enriching.

ok so these are the cream of the crop for ME personally, might have forgotten some in my other folders, i might have missed reading some, its probably not all encompassing. but frankly ive liked and saved fics for a single resounding line, single funny joke, one interesting implication about the story or the characters the author wrote up so in my heart theyre all worth checking out, always. fanfic writers are carrying this ship on their backs and theyre all 9 ft tall and im just walking around them, clearing the path, giving them a sip of water and snacks etc. so THANK YOU BLUESHIPPING AUTHORS I LOVE YOUUUUUU

[papaver-decervicatus]

Cat/Mouse/Den EXTRA! Getaway Fever

AN: This is the quick story a personal friend wrote based on Cat/Mouse/Den! I actually vastly prefer his writing to my own because I feel like it fits König's POV much better. Everyone tell him how good it is in the comments to fluster him <3

He walks along the base of a gradually sloping desert-esque hill, with trees and high rising scrub against the base of the hill, up it, and maybe even over it. The occasional tree, large stone, or elsewise normal scenery slowly passes him as he patrols. Then the wind catches him. 

 He sucks in a breath, and takes in the scene in, in a different way. The smell of acacia, a light rain from this morning, and something else. It's different, not new. Out of place. The smell lingers in the back of his throat. Makes his arm hair stand. ‘Ich geisteskrank’  he thinks, (I’m insane)

 He closes his eyes, for a few seconds, as another whipping wind rolls down the hills, breaks around his form. 

 And this time he closes his eyes, and breathes in deeper. And he catches it again. 

 “No closer.” A cool, flat tone, from the radio at his hip. There's almost an edge of excitement or thrill on the end of the words that come over the radio. It's her. Of course

 So all he does is lean back on a small boulder, just less than a yard behind him. It's funny how no matter where the line is drawn, it seems to always be in a comfortable place. Maybe it’s that he could make himself comfortable in her presence, anywhere. Maybe that she makes sure he’s comfortable wherever he may be. But he does stop, and he takes up post. And she watches closely as the tension seems to leave him. 

 His shoulders drop, half a foot, from where he holds them. He slouches a little. He even rolls his neck, to stretch. And as he does, he stops, about halfway up his right shoulder. 

 She can't see it perfectly from over 70 yards. But he's making eyes at her. The crisp desert air, or maybe a lucky delusion, brought her right to him. 

 “Hallo, Maus.” His voice is high. It means “I missed you so”

 “König.” Her voice hides her eagerness. It means “You made me wait.” But she continues “Don’t move a muscle.” It means 

 “I missed what you look like.”

  He draws his favorite knife, and rolls it around in his hand, idly. He cant think of what to say, but and it's eating at him instantly. Like hes running out of time. Like she’ll shoot him for his lack of etiquette, or for worse- boring her. In an antsy fervor, he wracks his brain for something clever. Impressive? Entertaining? His hands move on their own accord, and start passing the blade back and forth. It snaps from hand to hand, almost moving so fast it can only be seen on departure and reentry from one palm to another. 

“Das es not my first place to pick on vacation. Yet we’re both here?”

Her eyes roll back into her skull, and after a second of him wanting to cut out his own tongue, she throws him a rope. “Just enjoying the pool, maybe the view too. It's not half bad.”

Her smirk is audible. ‘I am going to explode’  He thinks. But it comes out as “Have you tried the uhh… mini bar? Or the breakfast?”

“No, I haven't, I've been sleeping in.”

 She’s maybe slept half an hour in the past 24, not wanting to chance missing him. “Is it any good..?” She entertains the idea. In her mind, she doesn't imagine it being a bad place for such amenities, or at least how much better it would make things.

It goes on, and they play pretend for a little.

 It's hushed, and quiet, and statements usually finish with “It would be nice.” But it makes a good pass time, as they draw up and design the perfect little vacation together. And, eventually the sun sets, and two shadows head to camp, and report nothing. No imaginary hotel, or imaginary margaritas, or even imaginary golden orange sunlight that creeps through imaginary curtains as the twilight spreads across the arid landscape. 

[fictionfixations]

book 7 part 4 spoilers

im having intrusive thoughts (theyre UNWELCOME. ive been hit by so many emotions i cant stop myself from actually crying rn ) now that i finished it okay so

if there are any typos or wrong words that dont make sense im SO sorry i usually sleep around this time (i wrote confused instead of convinced im SOBBING) so my brain is slowing down on me

whbat if. what if if

we encounter the dawn knight

and silver's ring starts glowing

and they accuse him of being a traitor because it seems weirdly familiar (or the knight accuses silver of being a thief? IDK)

LISTEN im still convinced that the dawn knight and silver are connected in some way. i just dont know how yet. aghhhhh

ALSO WHEN is the conversation about them mentioning 'hey you keep calling me father..' (could be brushed off as 'you remind me a lot of my father'. cue probably mixed feelings) or '..hey what was that about you calling yourself a zigvolt when we first met?'

i mean sharing LAST NAMES (edit: i said nicknames wtf? im so sorry) without being related is normal. although i dont know how normal it is in twisted wonderland.

ALSO sebek also like doubled down like

baur: you dont have the signature scales

sebek: my mother has them!

baur: then why dont you?

sebek: ... (ashamed of his father. ashamed of his blood. poor baby. he really just ended up taking being called a 'human /neg'. to be fair i dont want to know reactions to a half-fae, because that would mean during the war between fae and humans, a fae got together with a human. and we know that that relationship was looked down upon even now in the future where the war is over, i think.)

(this book made me such a sebek apologist 😭)

like COME ON dont brush it off. i mean im going to cry for that conversation because its just going to be PAIN but like CMONNN????

where are the consequences?

then again this isnt real its just. a dream.

but...

also what if the dawn knight is silvers dad and lilia fucking idk kidnapped him and it started the war [although he'd be way too young in that case since this is 400 YEARS in the past] (but then theres the note lilia read him which means silver probably did get abandoned. .......or maybe lilia killed the dawn knight and his last words were giving his son over and that note about not wanting silver's eyes to cloud over in sorrow, and to instead be as clear as the jewel on the ring...)

or or or or

AHHH

i have. so many thoughts.

i STILL believe silver's at least related to the dawn knight. ...im just not sure how but i keep backtracking to son because yes.

and like itd also play into the 'fae stealing children' idea thingy. although i wonder if thats more offensive if that gets mentioned at all. if it was like some sort of propaganda bedtime story that humans told their children to make them terrified of fae and viewing them as monsters or something..

like

cuz

remember that merchant in the port town(?) area thing

first mistook us for monsters because of our masks (but thats fair)

realized we were like fae?? made a racket

this guard came over and the merchant accused US of threatening the guy to hand over his shit like what??? WE DIDNT DO ANYTHING WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT?? we dont even want your fucking spices or whatever wtf ???

i am also a believer that there's a huge misunderstanding between the fae and humans that caused this war.

but also.

i know twisted wonderland is very tragic and everything

but if the dawn knight and the ironclads kill malleus' mom im going to hate them so much. more than i already do [well i hate the ironclads, not the dawn knight, since one bad apple doesnt make them all bad apples]. (look they probably killed raverne but..... malleus' parents man. one is better then none. :( )

god

imagine though that the dawn knight is silvers dad (in whatever twisted time loophole age gap thing whatever the fuck even if it doesnt make sense)

and the dawn knights kills maleanor . . .? i. cant remember (OKAY maleanor is malleus' mom.? and maleficia is like grandma. i think... i. bro the overuse of mal is confusing me so bad sob)

just. imagine silver spiraling into a sort of self-hate. like. im the child of your enemy. my dad ("your dad is LILIA." says someone) killed malleus' parents...

and it probably feels worse then. idk. being a human in a land of fae. like so much more out of place

and so horrible

ahh im worried

..then again maleanor (i almost said maleficia oops) is super strong right? so she'd probably win.. (but also. its a lot harder to fight with something to protect. that being your precious little eggwhich you would probably die for to keep safe) ALSO SHE DIED SO LIKE ???

hhh i dont know what to think

JP SPoilers now

also really fucking worried because JP server's all the way in like idk pomefiore and im just like

how did you even get there. whAT? THIS ENDS?

like i know it'd have to end eventually but i just cant see an end in sight...

:((

i hope we can bring lilia with us. but there might be a chance he'll be made to fall into a deeper sleep where we cant assist since the whole point of his overblot was about lilia and wanting to keep him 'alive' and there

so.....

im just. sad.

[credulouscanidae]

every day i live in a passive limbo, waiting for the moment i suddenly feel better and can confront my anxiety, paranoia, and loneliness.

i feel like i have been shattered, and left in pieces with no glue to be put back together.

every day my existentialism and history of being gaslit dominates my brain and i can never make sense of my thoughts and feelings. i am constantly second-guessing myself, and implanting intentions that weren't previously there. i feel like i am required to have constant self-awareness, and to not have so means that i am Obviously Insane and Unsalvagable.

people on the outside would think im just a very holistic thinking person. which is true, and can be a good thing. but honestly? it's detrimental to how i perceive myself. i cannot unabashedly live in the moment of anything. i am, by default, viewing myself from a third person perspective in a hyper critical way. i feel afraid to fall into any category of people or labels, because to claim anything about myself is felt to either be a lie, a mockery of people who are "really" that thing, or it's attention seeking (which of course is the worst thing you could ever do right?)

even claiming to be existential causes a fear and anxiety that i am being pretentious or not self aware that it's a very human experience. my detachment from the world, my trauma, my existentialism, none of it is important or matters because others experience it too.

i cannot begin to describe what gaslighting does to the brain.

what it's done to me.

i dont even wanna claim ive become very isolated because others also experience it. id say the lockdowns from 2020-2021 triggered this, but i think more and more and realise that i wouldve done this when my mum died, or even earlier had i not had a confident person with friends take me under their wing.

i feel my whole life has come into question. i feel like my old home, my old life, my friends and pet and loved ones, dont exist anymore. i feel like im a dead person, looking back on their life and realising who i really was. all the mistakes and inconsiderate behaviours i ever done. it just fuels the fire of the gaslit brain.

everything i ever do or feel is a contradiction. i dont matter to others, but i also have more of an impact on others than i realise. the impact i have matters more than what im ever feeling, and for me to not be self aware of that clearly demonstrates how selfish and horrible i truly am.

maybe it's why people think im such a giving, non-judgemental, and sweet person. im not. im angry. im subjugated. im frightened. like a deer in the headlights, i have no choice. im easygoing and agreeable because i am scared of disagreeing or giving my thoughts through normal debate. because doing so in the past has caused assumptions about me, or intentions skewed or created. my words did not matter, but also they did.

i dont know how to just. start talking to people again. i have been given advice from people who have dealt with isolation but. i know the secret is to challenge yourself and do things even when you dont feel ready, because youll never feel ready, but how? i have lost so much. i dont have the support i need to do something so brave. because i am a coward who avoids and runs away. thats probably manipulative for me to do anyway. ive dug myself into a hole i cant climb out of. ive literally made it worse for myself for no reason. and now i cant even face the consequences of my own inaction.

but why would i wish for people to be there for me when i cant even be there for them? i know i would be there for them, in a heartbeat, but i cannot right now. thats selfish and manipulative to say i guess but. it's not fair that others dont get considered as a result of me not considering myself. mental illness makes you selfish. it makes you not a good friend.

i want to be a real friend.

dont wanna break when i bend.

.....

i have a therapist im gonna be seeing every 2 weeks. if this doesnt work out, then idk what i'll do. i have settled for the most part, and when life feels good, when my roots are grounding and growing in england, it feels good. i dont have many friends here, but i am happy with my partner and his friends, but it feels like i have so many loose ends and a life i have left behind that i cant face. and i am guilty when i experience happiness, let alone share it. because that doesnt align with my narrative that im suffering. which i am, but, i am also trying to survive and live in the life i currently have.

i guess that's what happens to the gaslit brain.

but i have to believe things will get better.

because if i don't

then what?

[malevolententity]

hrmgmgm 4ever situ thoughts

this will probably get messy and personal because that Really informs how i feel and i need to expel it from my body LMAO

i still dont know how i feel. or well. i know how i feel but its nuanced and conflicted and im mad that i cant concisely say how i feel. we Know the initial information didnt come out in good faith. we Know that the girls involved were not asked how they felt prior to the callouts. we also can see from current actions that this doesnt happen anymore. that it doesnt represent who he is as a person in recent years.

and i fully believe that people are able to change and grow from past wrong actions. regardless of if those actions were just wrong jokes or Literal Actions.

this cycle never gets easier. ive been on both sides e.g. being like one of the girls. but also being one of the ccs. so i get their no nuance just anger. because m still mad as hell about ike/ciel. as someone who was good friends with him. but also was the same age as his victims and very easily could be considered one by some people. shout out to being two people removed from ironmouse though 🤪.

but ive also like. been in the girls situation. you dig back 11/12 years on here. theres Going to be evidence of 22 year olds with thousands of followers flirting with 13/14 year old me. some of whom were harmless friends making weird tasteless no intent jokes. and some of whom were genuine pedophiles that either were complete strangers or people i knew in real life and called friends. and id be fucking pissed if any of those were taken out of or even in context without my permission. because its my story. if anyones going to be talking about it it should only ever be because i decided i wanted it to be talked about. not some random person having a vendetta against people i used to talk to and finding and using bits of my story as a way to defame someone whos recent actions do not line up with the deplorable actions of them in 20 fucking 12.

and so i cant help but have 800 fucking emotions. because what we know about is gross. but i dont believe he should be fully deplatformed over shit he hasnt done in 5-7 years. and that is absolutely fueled by my emotions because as far as we know. the girls did not ask for him to be deplatformed. the girls stories are being spread without their input to ruin a guys life. and i would feel violated if i was used as evidence by strangers against my will.

but maybe thats just the victim brain in me who will always feel the need to shield some of the guys from my past because its complicated and messy and humans are complicated and messy. and im just projecting. because i have been in those girls position. a few times.

and thats why ive been mostly silent through this whole thing. because i am a Hashtag Bad Victim and no one wants to hear from the people who think were being too hasty and think information should come from the people involved. not twitter sleuths who really fucking hate a cc.

that said for people who need to see it written out. im not supporting him with views on future videos. i still enjoy 4ever as a character. i will still probably reblog 4ever art every now and then, because ive also gone thru this in a dnd fandom where one guy turned out to be a shitter but i still enjoyed his character so i will engage with the character when i feel like it. because that character is not the streamer.

this whole situation just feels bad and unfair to absolutely everyone involved. no one here is winning. celebrating his removal is weird. because the removal means something Did happen and thats horrible. and watching this turn into a spectacle to see who unfollows next/what the next announcement is, is disgusting. this isnt a game and it feels like some of you are treating it that way. these are real lives, these are real people.

side tangent.

i really fucking cant stand everyone whos been comparing this to the dream situations. because every single dream situation has come from victims or people posing as victims. so of course. listen to them and do your own research but believe them from the get go. THIS THOUGH????? WAS ADMITTEDLY UNRELATED PEOPLE WHO HATED A GUY, WHO FOR MONTHS HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING TO DEPLATFORM HIM. AND FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING THAT WAS ACTIONABLE. of course some of us were going to hold off on forming thoughts and were gonna be skeptical of where the information came from because it was not victims coming forward.

its two different fucking situations and acting like theyre the same is insane to me.

[yomiurinikei]

You know which character I want to send for meme but yeah it is obvious can I get Kinji in that meme template?

ah yes, so obvious, we all know ur favorite character is kinji hakar1 (dont wanna invade tags akdsjksd), who everyone associates u with, and totally isn't just the first fictional kinji that popped up when i googled the name.

my identity hc for them

GAY gay homosexual gay. sorry kiyoka calling him out just. i cant view him as anything else. i do think there's canonical backing for this, not specifically him being exclusively into guys, but for him liking guys in general, i think its canon supported. i also Just Like it.

i think he's like. amab, but i think he just doesnt really Get It/feel any particular way- he's comfortable with how he presents and is perceived the way he is, and doesn't really feel a desire to change! he's content, and i don't think he'd be any happier if he changed how he performs gender. and seeing as i want this boy to do some soul searching and examine his relationship with faith, ill let him have a constant in his life. just this once

Thoughts on their home life/family

aaaaa.... i think like. mentioned this in the hcs i wrote for him recently, but i think his dad (the bishop) was a genuinely good person, and a good dad! i just think like..... it would've been cool if after being adopted and coming to italy, he had more than one role model and like. god. i dunno i think that mayyyybe having the person who chose him, who chose to take care of him, be a well-respected bishop who wound up living a secular life and etc etc mightve maybe impacted kinjis path in life. i don't think he was forced into anything, but i do wonder the degree to which kinjis faith started as a way of feeling connected to his dad and feeling that he was part of a community.

anyways though. i think he was a happy child, well cared for, etc. but i feel like maybe someone should have forced him to go outside and make friends, or stopped to question why he might be throwing himself into religious studies so much, or, after all that. maybe. i dont know. NOT SENT HIM TO JAPAN BY HIMSELF AS A MIDDLE SCHOOLER? ??????

its kinda a miracle hes as stable as he is. and while i don't think he's... literally traumatized, i feel like there was some side effects of his childhood past "oh he doesn't Understand friends". honestly a vv interesting example of how childhood and environment shapes people.

anyways though. i wouldn't be surprised if his focus on orphanages/caring for kids stemmed from him being a like... pre-teen/younger, and his brain just naturally orienting towards "wanna be with peers, wanna play, wanna form social bonds", but he had already placed himself in the role of an adult, and so he took on the same place as the priests he was trying to emulate. its kinda silly why did literally everyone go like. well if everyone else is treating him as an adult i guess i will too... kinji is the poster child for "was called mature as a kid"

How i feel about their canonical writing/handling

mmm... its objectively Good. i just feel like.... kinji kinda falls into the issue of so many characters to explore, so little time? like. we don't really get to see a whole lot of the depth that i see (linuj may not get him the way i do), and it makes sense, but it still kinda sucks... it'd be nice if he survived and made it to the end (and then held hands with tsurugi i mean-) buuut. i understand why he didn't. :(

tho one thing i wanna note is. linuj originally intended for his ch3 meltdown to be his true personality of sorts. and was gonna have his motivation just be that he liked murder. and he acknowledges that how he acts in ch3 isn't kinjis normal personality, and that he likes having a actual motive better than his old plan for kinji. but i feeeel like linujs old plan kinda pokes through at times with how kinji is handled? specifically like.. tsurugis response of "woah i didnt know a priest would act like that"- tbf, that does reflect on tsurugis black and white thinking and how he struggles to remedy his values. but also it just kinda feels like linuj is still treating it as a shock value twist that kinji is Just Like That, despite textually saying otherwise. that kinda sucks

The one thing i’d want to make canon about them

im not fucking joking im trying to think of something else. i would like canon gay kinji. again we have NO TIME FOR THIS. but if he had survived, i think that could be something nice to write in + subtextually show. i wont ask for the complete and utter tone shifts that would have to happen for more than subtext to be real. but. i think it'd be a good thing to do w/kinji if he had more time with us.

also i think it'd be neat to hear more about kinjis bio parents, just because im curious? but ya know. i kinda dont trust linuj and can just be weird about why he still uses uehara as his family name in my head, and have that be canon to me, instead of having to ignore linuj, so.. im content

My number one favorite ship for them

tsuhara. nobody look at me.... i promise i will post my thoughts on them one day. currently im trying to handle all myyy.. non-spring quarter graduation requirements (aka, some stuff my hs wants me to get done other than the classes im taking this quarter), so thats kinda my goal for april. and then may will have midterms and then ill be working on finals ughhhh... so im not really dedicating time to it. but its like... the only canon sdra fan content im working on rn? its. its in the works and its on my schedule and it wont take long. its just a matter of when i can get around to it, so i wanna explain why im not prioritizing it akjdjskjdjsdk.

anyways. im so not normal about them and ive been not normal about them for the past ninety three years. my beloved boys with their moral beliefs and their systems of justifying their actions and and and. aaaaaa.....

…Now everyone else i ship with them

uhhhhhhm. i think his ftes were cute? hm. i think there's stuff i objectively like, like... i think it'd be nice for him and would be cute. but there's nothing im really Passionate about/see myself spinning around in my head. for ex like.. i go out of my way to think about tsuhara. theyre just in my brain sometimes. but whereas like... i was uekoba posting a few days back- that was vv nice and fun! but i wouldnt have really talked about my thoughts on kinji and haru if it wasn't for outside prompting, if that makes sense.

u all will never escape my tsuhara posting. kinji canonically got tsurugi to change both in and out of the killing game. he is the one who looked at tsurugi and did not think "oh i can fix him" but simply by existing!! fixed him!!!! aaaaa!!!!! aaaaa.

The thing i will NEVER ship

hm. hmmm. i think ive chatted about them before. ive indulged. but im honestly not a huge fan of kakeru/kinji/kanata? it feels v much so to me like.. just pairing off whoevers there. i could get behind kakeru/kinji if i saw a good argument for it. i think they could be fun i a "everything goes wrong" (aka, every murder plot fails) au, but like. yeah. and then with kanata and kinji. i just dont see the vision

also i did not want to say it. but uehiga because i dont. get. it..... this delves more into mitch's writing and i dont want to talk about him on kinjis ask. but i do not understand it. it feels to me just like when people were shipping mitch and haru but repackaged. im never going to see the vision of mitch getting fixed by his having a crush on one of his male classmates.

a dynamic/relationship i wish was explored more (in canon, or in fandom)

kinda stems from beta. but i think he and mikako could be fun. spiritual buddies!!!! it could be a nice learning experience for them both. also maybe the gamblers ornament crew? that could be fun thats a friendly group of people (and also utsuro is there too/j). i just want kinji to have friends man.

thoughts on their design (appearance-wise)

mmm.. something about it is off. i dont know. it could be the linework the silhouette i dont. knowww? it just. feels blocky or bulky or something. its plain but it works for a priest and it makes sense. i like his hair color and eye color and etc etc theres just Something about his design that feels off to me if i look at it for too long

also. i dont think this is a issue anymore? but he wears a stole. thats what he's wearing. its not a scarf. (also. i still want to tie it into a bow.)

A music-related thought- a song that reminds me of them, or what their music taste is, etc

not even gonna lie i thought i had some sort of song on one of my spotify playlists that would work. wtf.

hmmmm. mercy, by sir chloe, kinda gives me like. kinji ch3 vibes. not really though why is this so evil. every song i see just winds up making me think of a different character.

okay. ive just been sitting down working on this post since i posted the rei one tbh. so. i think that no matter where u hc kinji ends up after evaluating his relationship with faith (personally i think his beliefs stay the same, he never really looses her faith, moreso what changes is his relationship with the church), he likes hearing hymns. i think harmonies and 'pretty' voices is just something he'll always appreciate in music.

[jamij0]

couldnt sleep and began to read Adam and Eve story: the history of cataclysms.

I’ve never heard of it before this morning but I woke at 5:30 sharp and couldn’t fall back asleep, it came across me on a post. Personally, in reflection I’ve garnered the insight that I must really like Adam and Eve depictions since every time I’ve spiraled, it’s become a muse. Like rejoicing in heartbreak in 2022 or my godforsaken summer of 2024. Godforsaken summer of 2024 needs a tally list because I went crazy, and some things I went crazy over weren’t necessarily wrong. If I told you giving me the wrong medication made me believe trump became president and took over with China, aliens were invading, and the world was ending on a cycle… I’d also have to say I was deathly terrified every waking moment since it was entirely psychosis. But when that alien info came out and trump became president, I did have to laugh at my crazy ass subconscious brain and how it manifested. The poor man I knew who would probably love to read a book on what happened without any correlation to me, should know that Adam and Eve shit killed me when I went insane. Lil Kim Kanye Production… My diary entries… How I’ve always debated religion not with its people but how it’d cosmically make sense. So as I’m sleepless on my doom scroll, why would I not become interested in what Dr Chan Thomas had to say about religion and the earth’s kill switch which is due for a reset every 6,500 years. We’ve been watching our north pole magnetically shift for a few years now and Dr Chan retaliates when poles shift earths crust unprecedented and fast, the natural disasters that can lead range from 1,000mph winds to multiple violent volcanic eruptions. That’s if they shift abruptly. He also said we’re overdue and since this was partially declassified 12 years ago, I’m gonna assume scientists have tried to take control of it like the rest of the civilizations before us. I think it hones in on our cluelessness to if it was evolution or god that brought us here. Entirely both. I think research like this also tickles how we forgot how the pyramids were made and even admittedly lost the sauce centuries ago. We have killed our earth with battery and plastic tumors. I think it makes perfect sense that we’d never be able to redeem to any prolific status of staple on earth as what we’ve been able to keep from the destruction of history is way cooler than our last 2,000 years. Fuck do you mean there could’ve been chinese dragons and shit? Jk… I think I just love to think…

My favorite part was the mention of fossilized creatures still eating their food or being entirely unharmed. Yeah that’s a sudden apocalyptic pole shift for you…

Also those hurricane theories I keep seeing from readers due 2026… with how AI has fucked up our water I wouldn’t doubt something is about to shift in there. In disbelief I get to live with one of the last cycle of humans when I could’ve been considered a psychopathic messiah. Born 3000 years too late, on God I was born in the wrong generation…

Eager to say I am not a death pessimist or optimistic, maybe a firm believer in the cycle of life and harsh death to bring rebirth since we are energy that cant be created or destroyed? If there’s a word for that… If the bible talks about great floods I don’t see any harm in this point of view. Don’t be scared of what you preach, word is powerful.

It is now 7:22am. Maybe I should… hm.. Well….. …. mmm

edit: father’s input for my conversation was past civilizations could adapt from destruction but this time around we’d have nuclear power plants explode and be done for. rightt right… don’t say scarier shit than me. I am okay with earth’s apocalyptic shifting but man made terrors beyond my comprehension frighten me. Like cillian murphy’s face in oppenheimer when I ended the conversation there and went back to my room. The fuck.

[gooogigi]

may twenty second, two thousand and four

Under the Skin (dir. Johnathan Glazer, D.P. Daniel Landin), 2013

my brain is incapable of many processes. one of which being an ability to share emotions as i feel them. was recently informed by my coworker that this might mean i have a "disorganized" attachement style? to me, it just seems like i learned to move through the world by means of suppression, otherwise known as being an adult.

regardless of my emotional aptitude, i seem to be reaching a simmering point. Not destructive boiling, but my pysche blows steams and softly bubbles, with no real end to the slow accumulation of psyichic heat in sight.

in short, im fucking depressed. not as a feeling but as a state. it's a state ive lived with for a while. I thought it was normal to not want to get up in the morning. i think it is, only for things you don't want to do, not an every day thing. my mind, afraid of what stopping might mean, runs a self-fueling engine of thought and emotional viscera. it is so hard to sleep, and it has been hard for years. my mother, god bless her, haunted by the same phantom-psyche that follows her every waking moment.

im returning to this site for a couple for reasons: one, the nostalgia of sharing with the world in this way, anonymous yet unflinching. without a care of what will happen to these thoughts once i post. it is also an exercise in attempting to put words to feelings as they appear. lastly, this site is pretty dead. My friends never use this. I'm journaling in an internet graveyard, and it feels nice to be back here. to remember the person i was when i was figuring myslef out at 16.

i am sorry to report that, at 28, i am still figuring myself out. i fear i never will. i guess i should explore what figuring myself out means. at times i think i'm engaging in a form of self-stockholm: holding myself hostage to ideas of what life should look like, and falling in love with the fallacy of fulfilling this prophecy. i met adam at my orgy situation, and he said he was a porn producer. he pays his own rent (allegedly) to live in the same neighborhood i was graced by the city of new york to be able to afford. what's stopping me from directing some porn, and maybe doing the same? It's obvious the film and art world do not view me seriously, and would rather wait until i'm one foot in the grave until any contribution is taken seriously. and it's not that i feel as if ive made any major contribution to the aforementioned fields, but just that the side glances, the uninterested smiles, the "yeah lets meet sometimes", the "we're sorry to inform you's" they each hurt a little, and in this short life i have accumulated so much rejection it should be astounding i've found a way to give my life any meaning at all.

so how does my life have any meaning, and in turn, have any reason worth living? well, for starters, the yes's ive received, have been enough, i guess. In the past four years ive lived astounding emotional lows, almost at post-australia levels. i have been able toi come up for air because of the forces outside of myself that make life better, nto worse: i got an apartment i can afford in a nice neighborhood, i have a residency, I have an exhibition here and there, i have a job. i don't have friends in my vicinity, and at times ostracize myself form them, but the times i do manage to be with other people has been nice. but in recent moments these yeses have exhibited precarity: theres ways for my building to remove my stabilized rate, my job has had a slow season and it's clear i am first on the chopping block, i have a studio im too tired to use, and no opportunities to at least force me to work.

also, i miss my emotionally irregulated ex. more on this later im sure.

I could probably live better if i just let go of any idea of what i thought life would be, but my idea of what life could be is what saved me the first time. but i think im running myself into the ground trying to be someone i cant. I can only do the best with the life that has been presented to me. i cant tell if this makes life more or less worth living.

[x1e3ju]

its that time of the night again.

its 4 am, the eepiness is calling me but the voices are louder so ive come on here to rant abt shuake instead of doing smth productive like drawing❤️ i waste away ranting abt shuake on tumblr to drown out my sadness and overwhelming nostalgia at random times of the day, how wonderful!

i did one of those song association annotation thingies to capable of love by pinkpantheress (she’s so queen may i add) and it got me thinking so much about shuake and just as of late ive been thinking of them bc schl is ending so i finally have time to replay and play the games like p3 or tactica and q1/2 and be able to focus my time on them and also bc im seeing a psychiatrist very soon from now! which makes me think abt shuake a lot bc they are like. HUGE projection dolls for me and i think on that.. quite often especially akechi since he’s the main one for me, the one more personal to me. i think abt his bpd and mentally unwell brain quite often (lol) and i think the way their love is is just very fascinating to me.

i guess its nice or interesting i guess, to see the way i feel and view love be shown in a character so out of the blue. the way akechi’s love is for akira can be viewed this way and again, i think it’s all very interesting. i love shuake so much for this reason and what i wanted to talk about mostly today is how much they truly mean to each other. This is one thing i hate ppl in fandom spaces for bc they always manage to find SOMEWAY to ruin any nuances anything COULDVE had (ik atlus did not try past queerbaiting lmfao) and i hate how to anyone else not apart of these spaces but aware of them just sees anyone talking abt a ship and specifically any popular gay ship and is so quick to assume like wait i actually care lol 😭 and i bring this up bc i really love to view their characters like akira and akechi’s characters individually through the shuake lenses and perspective. tbh i dont really care for persona outside of them and obviously a few other things of course but shuake is the real reason why im even fixated on that game still in the first place so of course, naturally i will focus on this.

i love to think on how akechi subconsciously views akira in his head. i like to interpret akechi as just a nerd girlboy who has a little crush and all the fun cutesy things abt being a teen or whatever 😆 i think that’s all so cute and fun for him and i believe its so him and i love to view him as the teen he is, the child inside of him that’s ridiculous and goes off for hours ranting about his favorite things repeating himself over and over until he tires himself out or the lovey dovey part of him that thinks about akira in random parts of his day and cant stop giggling and smiling at a simple text yk like all the cutie things ☹️ it doesn’t remove nuance and it doesn’t remove character bc thats how teens act, obviously not as stereotypical as i described but that’s how ridiculous we are sometimes! and i love to think on how he views all these big horrible issues in a simple lenses.

doing the song associations with so many taylor songs and then a pink one really reminded me of this bc of the fact that taylor’s (OLD) lyrics are just so serious and more “mature” and i mostly mean folklore and evermore bc im talking abt cardigan specifically rn (that song is just so akechi im sorry) to now doing capable of love bc pink’s lyrics are simple! not bad just obviously more simple so i get to really view akechi in these lenses. I get to have that minute of writer relief even if he isnt my character but yk wtv ig😞 anywhoanywho, again, i love to view akechi in a simple lenses as the simple teen girl he is, its fun and why particularly? bc i personally feel it adds so much more depth to their dynamic. akechi has. ALL these problems going on, akira does too but they still make time for each other and ik i dont focus on akira much (im so fake lmao) but he plays into this just as much! although the council of the world has decided for him he must save it not them, he still makes friends with the enemy and enjoys their time together as if none of that wouldve mattered. he still loves unconditionally like if nobody was going to take that all away from him someday and i think thats so beautiful.

akechi still loves akira so much as if they really were together and akira loves him just the same. akechi is going through all these problems mentally and on the outside but still that child part of that craved love and connection/affection seeps through and overtakes him and his emotions, allowing his crow persona to like be free ig? and of course, that was not the only reason i like to think that it couldve been a part, even a teensy part bc again, they are just kids in love lmfao (so cringe) and yes, it is going to be cringe and a bit ridiculous BUT ITS SO SERIOUS YALL DONT UNDERSTAND

the way im not even done unpacking 25 PERCENT OF THEM YET there’s just so much depth that can be added to their connection, i love them they are so cringe-friendly i hate atlus but god bless shuake frfr 🙏🙏 but i just wanted to highlight this a bit bc i felt like i didnt enough in the insta story and tbh still but yk, to get some of it off my chest. i love gay people i can project on always a great flavor im off to my cave of inner thoughts now hopefully i knock tf out ❤️

[dirtbag-linecook-kyloren]

I CANT SLEEP SO ACTUALLY I DO HAVE TIME TO TALK ABOUT STATUES

Any discussion of statues I love HAS TO START WITH Breaking of the Vessels by Anselm Kiefer. The image links to the collection page on SLAM's website, but my history and obsession with this piece extends far before I understood it in context. I was probably around 8 the first time I saw it in person, and I stood by the metal wire that keeps dumbass kids from walking into the display and looked at a sea of broken glass and metal sheeting what felt like skyscraper tall and I just felt A Lot. Like, when you're a kid, emotions are harder to name but I felt a lot of whatever it was.

Sure, you can make the argument that this piece means so much to me because as I grew up with it, so too did my understanding, but I think it's more than just its historical context. (Although divorcing it from said context does the piece a complete disservice. It's a seven ton statue that makes the plight of the jewish people a central theme without ever FEATURING A person and I think that's a miraculous feat.)

The next one is also at SLAM. Sue me, it was my local art museum growing up. Cell (Three White Marble Speres) is one of those pieces that I feel like people might point to to say "modern art doesn't mean anything" because they aren't willing to put even an ounce of work into viewing art. As a kid, it meant a lot about the way family can have a constricting nature. Now, I see it as more of a commentary on the nuclear family and the surveillance state, given the inclusion of the mirror, but in my child brain that was just so we could see the back, maybe as a reference to the past? Idk I was young, I wasn't expecting world breaking art critique from myself.

I do wish it was still on display, but I also wish I had a bajillion dollars so I could buy it and set it up in my living room. maybe i'll build myself a little copy for my desk? 10/10 great fucking statue with lots of interesting interpretations.

For our next one we jump over to the other half of missouri, where the Nelson-Atkins has a statue that haunts my dreams. Standing Figures (Thirty Figures) by Megdalena Abakanowicz is unsettling in the best of ways. Photos don't do it justice to stand in front of these headless figures and picture yourself among them. There's ruminations on loss of identity, but I feel like that's even a base interpretation. I want to study this piece I want to write thesis statements about it I want to meet the artist but she's dead I just

I wish part of this piece was the ability to stand among the figures because FOR ME that would be the full effect. Maybe you can, and I was just too chicken shit to do it, but I just- God I love this piece I think about it all the time.

listen. I know Untitled (Portrait of Ross in L.A.) by Felix Gonzalez-Torres is a fucking gimme. I know that most of us know the story behind why a pile of candy makes me cry, by now. but I'd be lying to myself about how much I love it, if I didn't put it on the fuckin list, because I did love it and it makes me want to cry stILL

anyway my wrist still hurts but thats four statues that FUCK and also make me feel negative emotions, my favorite emotions to feel from statues

[shame-kink]

this is no place of honor. nothing good is buried here. like, look at those tags, jesus fucking christ icansayithewasalsojewish there they are, i'm at fucking PEAK 2:11 in the morning brain and i got hooked on the discourse rod like two hours ago at this point? i've been rewriting the same sentence over and over again trying to come up with a way to insult most of the people on this site while excluding all the people i'd feel legit fucking terrible making feel bad (which. includes forseeably anybody reading this unless the grace of god does- AAAAAAAUGHGHGHGGG JUST PUBLISH THE FUCKING THING

yooo this post literally begins "as a trans woman" and is about "discourse", uncool fetish shit, and like. idfk if theres even word for that other thing. People That Are Not Trans Women Keep Your Mouths Shut On This. Maybe Nobody Should Reply At All Actually? i've reached paranoid moralizing stink-beast levels that i don't even really know what to logically do with like i SHOULD post something and this is like my fifth time trying but also it feels deeply unwholesome to either reject or welcome outside input.

being a a trans woman, (which is. fucking relevant because YES THIS SHIT GETS TUMLBRFIED ALONG DEMOGRAPHIC LINESSSSS I'M REWRITING A FOLLOW UP THAT MORE DIRECLTY MADE CLEAR IT WAS ABOUT TRANSMISOGYNISTIC REACTIONS TO THINGS-RANGING-FROM-COMPLETELY-INNOCUOUS-TO-FRINGE-CASE-PERVERT-SHIT-I.-JFC-I-CANT-EXPLAIN-IT-MORE-AGAIN-I'LL-COLLAPSE) one who is NOT immune to internet horny in all its forms ranging from innocuous to.... Less [private information/"backstory" expunged tldr the internet can fuck you up especially if you grow to view it as a place of refuge] and is ALSO extremely adamant that Hey I Think That People Should Face Repercussions For Publicly Saucing Up On "Gross" (don't. make me spell out the exact points at which i think the enjoyment of a particular subject can be morally justifiable we'd be here all week and we'd kill ourselves before the talk was done) Shit but ALSO also the moral phucking filosopher in me can't shake off the feeling that Even Kink Shaming For Legit "Dangerous" Shit (in. interpersonal and cultural normalization ways not "shoot your boyfriend in the pancreas" ways) Still Fucking Counts As Sexual Harassment*** and. ghahghhhh.

at least if i didn't have a moral backbone i could hang out with those smug pretentious fictional bullshit loving DOUCHEBAGS but no i guess i'd chose "foolhardy and can-have-their-sense-of-Innate-Morality-swayed-into-fascistic-tendencies yet barring those incidencees are still fundamentally deep down good" to "i have pleasured myself with uranium-27 every evening for the past three years and its everyone elses problem, radiation is a puritanical myth" (or for that matter "foolhardy and easily swayed into fascistic tendencies and pretending to be good but its mostly people getting mad at trans women for calling themselves dogs or being furries". i do not intend to equivocate The Bad Thing Thats Transmisogynist with my own fucking sad little adoptive poop house filled with people failing to actually make any progress in extricating 'that stuugh' from the contexts where its fucking dangerous but like hey we're trying and i guess thats better than worshipping the the fucking stuff)

*** just bc i call it that doesn't mean arguments can't be made as to why its necessary or for the public good bla bla bla i'm not strictly arguing against it its just. even entertaining that it might be a lesser of two evils opens up so many fucking unsanswerable questions and my feelings-of-personal-shame-and-guilt engines just start kicking in bc this shit can't even be framed as "rationally" or "concisely" as a fucking trolley problem i'm moral relativisming my way into absolutism somehow i pray for hell to be real so that the duty of judgement can be left to hands other than my own for I Too am imperfect (albeit not in a way that gets off to children, LOL, get fucked i do still have the moral highground, like not over YOU necessarily but over those *other* dipshits that neither of *us* like)

[skullcrusher-mountainn]

"I'm all alone but I'm drinking for two,"

honestly i view this as a system being 'alone' , with nobody around. but knowing that *they* are there. (they being the introject of the abuser/old friend/past partner) with the general monotone despair of the song seeming to resonate that fact all throughout as the person copes with this fact.

"Drowning the man that I used to be,"

this person will be there forever, and theres no going back from the damage thats been caused. whether they meant for it to happen or not. that headmate will always be there, a sickening reminder of what happened. although, of course theyre more of a person than that. at times. (as with the POV from this song), it may feel as though theyre nothing more than a sick reminder of a past trauma. whether that be abandonment or something worse.

"Nobody loves you like me,"

i think this line highlights the shame of the entire ordeal. especially in cases where the person didnt mean to cause any damage, and your brain just reacted in the only way it knew how; splitting.

it's a gross, disgusting feeling. and i think this line perfectly portrays the guilt and shame from it. or the idea that 'nobody loves you like me', or that you got hurt so bad and put yourself out there so far that once damage was caused there was no going back.

i honestly feel i may be stretching with this line, or perhaps i just cant get my words straight. but. i hope you see the picture.

"I won't sign a thing, or else if i do. I'll use a pencil and that will show you, how nothing lasts, how nothing is free,"

i believe this line mostly surrounds the trauma thats been caused. with 'how nothing lasts; how nothing is free' being a representation of how, truly, nothing lasts. (what you thought you had is gone now.) and how, nothing is free. (you took a chance and instead of it ending gently, you split an introject of a real person you once cared about.)

this line could also show the fear of future relationships. of putting yourself out there. because you dont want it to happen again. nobody wants to form an introject of a real person. nobody wants to split at all.

"I shouldn't stay, I think you'll agree. It's no good for you, no better for me."

this fuckin lineeee. okay.

i feel like this goes with the shame too. the feeling that the friendship/partnership (if it could possibly continue in the future) may never be the same, or you may not even be let back into their life because of it. your brains automatic trauma response leaves you afraid for whats to come. it leaves you with the thought that its better to just lose hope of loving and having what you once had.

...even if the introject formed because you loved somebody so much.

"In the morning I'll go to a place far away, somewhere you'll never find me."

the feeling as though you need to run away from them, or yourself, to escape what's happened. to escape the damage that's happened to yourself, to escape causing damage to them aswell.

its like the sickening need to go. to never tell anybody about whats happened, to keep it all a secret. to hide your minds trauma response, and how it reacted to the trauma of abandonment or worse.

"I catch a look, a thing that you say; Out on the fire escape smoking all day."

gently giving up hope for all of it. for the relationship in its entirely, because no matter how much hope you have; it all depends on the other person's reaction. its not up to you how they react when you tell them. or if you tell them at all.

"Missing someone, now who could it be?"

the clear mirrored traits from the person that you notice after forming an introject. (in our case, the brain forms introjects to make up for the harm somebody caused so we can forgive them. which leads to some. interesting scenarios. such as noticing how an introject of somebody who failed to help you, always helps you, or how somebody you looked up to who turned against you is always on your side.)

this line discussing how it can be obvious where your mind was trying to heal, and make up for what happened.

"Noises outside, the trucks in the street, will cover my flight, my hero's retreat."

the idea of somebody giving up and leaving after the other person doesn't react well.

"I'm supposed to feel bad, but I don't anymore. Only when you remind me."

No longer feeling guilty over what happened; accepting that no matter how the person reacts, it wasn't your fault. that this is a disorder you have no control over. and there's no reason to beat yourself up over something that isn't your fault.

but sometimes, you remember what happened. and how your brain ended up choosing this as its reaction. or you remember just how much you cared for the person before everything happened.

"Air in my lungs, a cough and a wheeze; Holes in the bellows and blood on the keys. You move along, there's nothing to see."

the end feeling of guilt and shame that goes along with it. no matter how much you move on with your life, there's always shame. but you keep going, and thats what i believe the end of the song signifies. just continuing with your life, no matter how sick you feel.

i also believe the end part, 'you move along, there's nothing to see' signifies the other party not caring about what happened. or being careless with you because of your mind's falters.

ANYWAYS LOLOLOOLLLL IDK WHAT HAPPENED I HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY LITTLE RANT :3

and yes, my rant on dissolve is coming soon ^_^

who wants to hear me rant about how much i relate nobody loves you like me to splitting real-person introjects due to abandonment and or mistreatment.

[off-the-heezys]

Got any favorite Camp Camp Ships?? :O How about a list of them?? What would be your favorite to least favorite? Any reasons why??

I’ll give you my top 4 and then we can talk about others

Jaspvid (Jasper x David) - MY NUMBER ONE. when i tell you this is my comfort ship, i mean i would literally die for these two. I LOVE THESE DORKS. ive cried over them an embarrassing amount of times and they are so. so. so perfect. the way i view them in my head. they are everything i want. it’s the slow, long pining. it’s the longing. the YEARNING. GOD. of course, it would never happen in canon, for obvious reasons, but they live rent free in my head with my 100000 of AUs where Jasper is alive and well

Kevdan (Dirty Kevin x Daniel) - they’re so awful and perfect together. random crackship that i care way too much about and will explain how their dynamic is epic to the depths of space i have a spotify playlist for these bitches Pikemax (Pikeman x Max) - I blame @gh0stbunnie for this one. would never work out in canon. i can’t see this in canon. but fanon/au? thats where its at babey. also just a way for me to project stuff thats happened to me in the past but pshhhhhhhhh also, this is something that is brought up a lot, but Pikeman is canonically like, 12. miles and jordan brought it on during some commentary on the blu ray. i bring it up because people tend to think pikeman is like, 15

David x Cute Waitress - idk if these two have a ship name but ill think of something later. but omg. these two r so cute in my head. a little sweet southern doll with a silly, awkward camp loving man. i know they make each other giggle all of the time i just. this one hits different.

now lets move on to other ships lol

im pretty open minded when it comes to ships (except for a few) so like, i’ll just give my opinion of ships

let’s get this out of the way, if you ship maxvid, camvid, or anything of that nature, uh, get the fuck off my page. block me, i don’t care. i hope you have a fucking terrible rest of your life

Gwenvid (Gwen x David) - to be perfectly honest? i can’t see this happening in canon. it’s cute though! I have a handful of gwenvid AUs that i love dearly. Gwen is just. so physically and verbally abusive to David canonically. im fine w it, it just urks me when people go around saying its canon, y’know? cute tho in fanon/aus!

Danvid (Daniel x David) - hot take this ship is awful. I barely see anyone portray it in a not sexual light. There’s a handful of people (my friends) who do this ship justice, but other than that, this just isn’t my cup of tea. i love me a good onesided danvid tho

Gwenjaspvid (Gwen x Jasper x David) - I have yet to see a way people have done this in a way I like. so for now I’m rather neutral about it

Sneil (Snake x Neil) - this ones real, you cant tell me they weren’t each others bi awakenings this ones SO REAL TO ME Maxneil (Max x Neil) - tbh? eh. I like to think Neil had like, a little puppy crush on Max, but it never became more than that. it’s a real popular one tho and i can see why

Makki (Max x Nikki) - they r like siblings to me so :( thats gunna be a no for me. if you like it tho, totally cool- i know Yssa likes it

Harrison x Nerris - again, these r like siblings to me so nah, but i get how some people might be into the enemy to lovers they might see in them. personally just no for me Masha (Max x Sasha) - yes. i can so see this. i love how @queeniecamps portrays these two, sasha and her little purse bf, so slay

Sasha x Pikeman - LOOKS AROUND. MOTIONS YOU CLOSER. WHISPERS IN UR EAR. i think about them sometimes. theres untapped potential here and no one talks about it

Presmax (Preston x Max) - I think about these two to “Popular” from Wicked, and it’s epic. and that is it. how did this ship get so popular back in like 2017. where did the spark come from

Tabrin (Tabii x Erin) - yes i participated in the ship week. yes I will again this year. yes, this is a very, very casual ship in my brain. i’ve got like zero aus for it. very very cute tho

Tabii x Neil - no. next one

Neil x Erin - in @dingdongsditch DJ AU, 100%. but also in canon they’d be. kinda cute. wahh.

SpaceMax (Space Kid x Max) - listen. not in canon. but. BUT.

Me x David x Cute Waitress - this ones canon guys idk what to tell you we’re all happily married

and that’s about like, all i can think of right now without getting into like rlly obscure ones if you think of any I didn’t put on this list, feel free to ask me about it